New Year: 2002 – How to handle sorrow?

A Sanskrit verse says, “May I enjoy happiness all the time, May I not face unhappiness at any time.” These two desires – seeking happiness and avoiding unhappiness – are basic and universal and are common to all human beings.

            How can we fulfill these desires? The verse itself provides the answer – through jnanam or knowledge. This may come as a surprise to us because we are unlikely to think that knowledge is the method to gain happiness and avoid sorrow. To add to our surprise, the verse further says that these two desires can be fulfilled only through jnanam.

            What is the knowledge gaining by which we can be happy all the time? First we must understand clearly what is happiness and unhappiness. Happiness can be defined as going through any experience that we would like to go through. In other words a wanted experience is happiness. Sorrow is going through experience you want to avoid in life; an unwanted experience.

            It follows that all pleasant experiences are wanted experiences since we want to go through them and therefore happiness. All unwanted or unpleasant or painful experiences are those we wish to avoid and therefore sorrow. Or so we think. Let us pause and analyze a little. Can there be a painful experience that we would like to go through? If we think a little, we will find that there are innumerable examples to show that people love to go through painful experiences and it is happiness for them. Take for instance, mountain climbing. Can there be anything more painful than wearing layers of clothing, carrying a heavy oxygen cylinder and other equipment and trudging through miles of snow in freezing weather for days and living on canned food? Ask any mountaineer and he will tell you that there cannot be a better definition of happiness. Mountain climbers are not content with scaling small hillocks. They seek to conquer the tallest of the mountains. Setting foot on the Everest is a mountaineer’s dream. Not only the tallest they aspire to scale the toughest peaks. Mountain climbing is full of pain and tension. It is highly risky. Human error like a misstep or an avalanche can cause death to the mountaineer. Notwithstanding all the hardships, pitfalls, and risks, mountaineers enjoy the suffering. It is a wanted experience and so becomes happiness.

            Motherhood is a painful experience involving discomfort during pregnancy, intense pain in the form of delivery and numerous hardships in bringing up a child. Yet most women want to become wives and mothers because it is a wanted experience. Similarly men want to become husbands and fathers whatever be the hassles involved. Thus an experience that we want to go through, even if it be painful, comes under the category of happiness.

            Similarly an experience that we do not wish to go through, be it pleasant or painful, is sorrow. The question arises – Can there be a pleasant experience that we wish to avoid? A householder facing financial difficulties had to sell his car and other possessions. His affluent father-in-law offers to help but the householder refused. The situation gets worse, the father-in-law persists and after a lot of persuasion, the help is taken. The householder regains all the comforts including his car. This is a pleasant experience as he has got back all this once pledged possessions. But he is unhappy as he feels it is improper to accept help from in-laws.

            Therefore in our lives, we are all the time struggling to get wanted experiences (pleasant or painful) and avoid unwanted experiences (pleasant or painful). In spite of all our struggles using effort and even taking recourse to astrology, palmistry, vaastu; we miserably fail. Even though we put in our best efforts, many unwanted experiences impinge upon us and however hard we try, wanted experiences continue to elude us.

            When we are so frustrated and ready to throw up our hands in despair, the scriptures come to our rescue. The scriptures ask us to do some introspection. We must first realize that we are not in a position to control our experiences because they depend on many factors over which we have little or no control. The scriptures pose a question to us – who has classified the experiences we undergo as wanted or unwanted? Does this classification come along with the experience or is it our classification? The truth is only the experience comes – labeling it as wanted or unwanted is purely our creation and therefore within our control. So the scriptures advise us: the experience we face may not be under our control; so why can’t we better handle which is entirely within our control. All our miseries would vanish if we avoid wanted-unwanted classification!

            How can we better handle the wanted-unwanted classification? This is an extremely important issue since this classification that decides whether we are happy or unhappy. Again the scriptures come to our rescue. When we look at the universe, we will definitely note one aspect if we are intelligent. The entire universe is an orderly and harmonious creation meaning everything happens perfectly according to universal laws. Nothing is odd or chaotic. Even a giant meteor crashing into earth and leaving a huge crater is part of this universal order. Everything in this universe, from the smallest microbe to the gigantic sun, has its role to play to make this marvelous creation.

            Consider the most experience of childbirth. When the baby is in the mother’s womb, it gets exactly the food it needs from the mother through a beautiful, naturally well-designed connection called the umbilical cord. After the baby emerges from the mother’s womb, the umbilical cord is snapped. The baby has delicate health to regular food, food that adults consume. At that time the mother secretes milk – at the right time and right temperature containing the right nutrition and all the antibodies the baby needs to fight the diseases. It is a biochemical marvel and this happens naturally without human intervention.

            Once we realize this truth and recognize that the entire universe is orderly and well-designed by an omniscient and omnipotent Lord, we have to extend this understanding a little further. All experiences of all people at all times are an integral part of the universe. There are no exceptions. After a good spell of rain, we may be walking down the road when a passing vehicle going over a puddle of water may splash water over us making our clothes wet and dirty. No experiences, not even the unpleasant experience of a splash is redundant because it is part of wonderfully designed universe. Every experience in the world is perfectly in order. If we consider and classify any experience as redundant or unwanted, then it only shows our emotional immaturity and intellectual arrogance. With our puny intellects we are challenging the omnipotence and omniscience of the Lord by questioning the validity and necessity of an experience.

            Once we are established in the knowledge of the orderliness of the creation, we should take a vow: ‘I will never classify any experience as unwanted. I will remove the ‘unwanted’ label from my mind and dictionary. I will consider every experience as a wanted experience especially designed by the Lord for me just like mother’s milk designed by me when I was an infant. It is the same Lord who takes care of my growth.” Every experience that we go through is a wanted experience designed by the universal mother called God. It is needed for our spiritual nourishment and growth. When a child is born, the father has to take the child to the mother and request her to feed the baby. When the mother gives milk; the father chants a prayer (Brihadaranyaka Upanishad): O Lord, you are the universal mother, Saraswati. Feed and nourish the spiritual personality of the child through the milk of experiences. Let the child learn through every experience without labeling it as wanted or unwanted. Let the child grow with your blessings.” When the child grows up it must learn to appreciate every experience as coming from the Lord for its spiritual growth and dished out by the mother, Saraswati. During Sandhya Vandanam, we chant a mantra that says,” O Lord, you are the universal mother. Just as my mother nourished me with the appropriate food at the appropriate time, you should also nourish me through the food of experience.”

            With this understanding, we will learn not to label painful experiences as unwanted, we will instead start to appreciate them as a spiritual sadhana. Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita (13.8) that we have to necessarily go through ‘old age, sickness, and pain’. These are not unwanted experiences. Brihadaranyaka Upanishad devotes an entire section of a chapter (5.11) encouraging us to look upon diseases as sadhana or tapas (meaning a wanted experience). When we go through a wanted experience, what is the state of our mind? It is happiness only. There is immediate acceptance.

            Fasting (on ekadasi) and remaining without sleep (on Sivaratri) are wanted experience that we are happy to undergo. Sometimes we may find ourselves without food (as in a train journey caught in a flood) or unable to get sleep (from a noisy neighbor). How do we react? If we are not spiritually evolved, we will label these experiences as unwanted and plunge into sorrow. The situation is the same – whether lack of food on a train or fasting on ekadasi or lack of sleep during Mahasivaratri or noisy neighbor – but our attitudes differ. We label one as wanted and so be happy; another as unwanted and remain sad. The difference is just perspective. But if we are spiritual seekers, we will consider every experience as a wanted experience. And no experience will upset our tranquility. The benefit is there are no regrets, no resistance, or frustration. So change your perspective to any experience and be happy all the time is the message of our scriptures.

            Once we accept every experience as wanted for our growth, we will be contented and our attitude towards the Lord will improve. We will never crib when a painful situation visits us and cry,” Lord, do you have eyes?” and begin to curse God. Instead to remain humble and thankful and grateful to the Lord for the experiences HE provides us for the moment. There is an unmistakable faith that HE is our benefactor and will never wish us ill-evil. Such an attitude will help us grow.

            Therefore on this New Year’s Day let us pray: “O Lord, I am thankful to you. Let any experience come. It is wanted and therefore I welcome it whole heartedly.” This is the jnanam required for a happy life as well as spiritual growth.