Hinduism and Family life (2020)

First of all, I wish all of you a very happy healthy peaceful and prosperous new year 2020. You must be very curious to know what I am going to talk about. Today, I propose to explain one of the statements that I often repeat in my Vedanta classes. And that statement is that in a Vedic society, family is the basic unit. Whereas in a democratic society, the individual is the basic unit. Thus, there is a very big paradigm shift with regard to the Vedic and democratic society. It has got far reaching consequences which are already experienced. Many of the changes are irreversible, but it is worth knowing, what is the basic vision:  In the Vedic society, family is a basic unit, it means, Veda gives great importance to family life. I want to share some thoughts as to why Veda considers family life as a very important thing.

            According to the Vedic vision, the Vedic family is designed in such a way that it can fulfill all human aspirations. By human aspiration, I mean, all the human puruṣārtha - dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa. In modern language, they call it Maslow’s hierarchy of human being. While family life will help in the fulfillment of all the puruṣārthas, it will transform a human being also. To put in Swami Chinmayananda’s language, transforming the animal-man into a man-man into a god-man. All these are possible, if we follow a Vedic life.

            In Båhadäraëyakopaniñad, there is a section called puruṣavida-brāhmana, first chapter 4th section. There is a mention of the first manifestation of Brahma as the creator of the universe. It says that, after Brahmaji arrived, he looked around, there was no one at all. Feeling and uncomfortable and he created a partner for himself.

sa vai naiva reme tasmādekākī na ramate

Brahmaji was unhappy as an individual. So he created Manu and Saharūpa and the details are given. The upaniṣad concludes in the section, that since, Brahmaji felt lonely, all the living beings including human beings will never be happy as single. So, the Upanishad says

“ātmaivedamagre āsīt”,

“so kāmayata,” “jāyā me syāt”

All the human beings also, having the genes of Brahmaji, also want partners. Therefore, desire for a partner, desire for getting progeny, and desire for raising a family, the Veda says, it is an intrinsic desire of all living beings, including human beings. This is the fundamental universal aspiration or desire, which is called artha-kāma-icchā. Therefore, family-life fulfills the first fundamental and universal desire of a human being for arthaa and kāma. But we don’t stop there.

            Then Veda points out that if we use a family life, only for artha and kāma, we will prove that we are like all other animals. At this stage, we are just an animal-man only. Therefore, family-life must be utilized to convert us from a mere animal-man to a man-man. Otherwise we will prove ourselves to be well dressed, sophisticated, smartphone wielding animals. That will be the only difference.

āhāra-nidrā-bhaya-maitunam ca sāmānyamevatat paśubhirnarāṇām

buddhiḥ teṣām adhigo viśeṣaḥ buddhyāhinā paśubhirsamānāḥ

Therefore, family-life is meant for artha kāma, alright, but it also must be utilized for raising our mind through dharmic activities. The Veda prescribes several dharmic activities to bring about an internal transformation to develop values, to refine our mind, to remove our selfishness and to expand our mind to accommodate the entire cosmos and that is possible only by service.

            The scriptures prescribe varieties of religious and service activities for a gṛhastha in the form of pañca-mahā-yajña which I have talked about very often. I don’t want to get into that topic. Many religious activities are seeking the grace of god, grace of the rishis and grace of our ancestors, deva-riṣi-pitṛ-pūjanam. Many service activities are also prescribed in the form of manuṣya-yajña and bhūta-yajña. They are designed to reduce our ahaṅkāra, our mamakāra, our rāga, our dveṣa, and to expand our mind. Not only Veda prescribes all these activities as compulsory activities, Veda insists that they must be done by the family members together. This is very important, because, only then, family will function as one team and one unit. Otherwise, each member will pursue his/her own activity and family will not exist as one unit. Different members will go out at different times and they will come in at different times and they eat taking from refrigerator at different times and they will never have one harmonious unity. The unity will be among the cooks, drivers and watchman. Such families are prone to break ups as they don’t have a built-in harmony and cohesiveness. Therefore, for the sake of family unity, Veda said that all the pūjas, ritual and services should be done by all the family members to indicate that all these are called yajña.

            The very definition of yajña is given as panktaha- yajñah. Pankta means, every family pūjas should involve five members, yajamāna, patnī, putra, daivavittam, and manuṣa-vittam. Man should be involved. Wife should not say “you do; I will go somewhere”. Wife should also join. Children should not go somewhere. They all should join. Thus, yajamāna, patnī and putra should go together. And of course, daiva-vittam, it should be guided by the scriptural knowledge. And manuṣa-vittam, it should involve money also for dhānam etc,. Therefore, all the dharmic activities are called yajña. Panktam means family should survive together as one cohesive unit. Because Veda was very much aware that family unity is not that easy. Because every member of the family has got his own her own personality, different ways of thinking and different rāga-dveṣas, therefore, bringing different minds with different personalities together is very difficult.

            Gṛhasthāśrama can be compared to a delicately balanced coalition government. Family life also is exactly like a coalition government. If we are going to highlight the differences, there will be quarrels; there will be fights and the family will breakup. In a broken family, everyone suffers and the greatest suffering is for the upcoming children. Gṛhasthāśrama will require lot of adjustments. It may be very painful. But if gṛhasthāśrama should survive, that adjustment is required and however much pain is involved, a family must learn to put up with the pain remembering that family is required for dharmaanuṣṭhānam.

            The common minimum programme for a family is dharma and mokṣa. For the sake of dharma and for the sake of future mokṣa, we should be together as one unit and work together as one unit engaging in dharmic activities. It is the vision that is given by the Veda. If every family remembers this and keeps dharma and mokṣa as primary, then that family will complete one full term of gṛhasthāśrama life. In the process gṛhastha will get converted from animal-man to man-man. Artha-kāma-pradhāna to dharma- pradhāna.

            What is the full term of gṛhasthāśrama? According to Veda, the full term of grihista ashrama means raising the children to become healthy, responsible, well-educated adult. In the Vedic society, getting the children married also was considered as part of gṛhasthāśrama term.

Nowadays it is very difficult because the children do not belong to Vedic society, they belong to democratic society. So they have got their own philosophy. But really speaking, getting the children married also is considered as a duty of the gṛhastha. When that much is accomplished, then gṛhasthāśrama life is completed. Children are grown up and the gṛhasthas also have grown up to become the man-man, i.e., dharmapradhāna human being.

            Once gṛhasthāśrama is completed, Veda offers a very beautiful retirement program for those who are interested to grow further. Because animal-man to man-man is not enough. Man-man to God-man is the ultimate growth. For that, Veda offers a comprehensive retirement scheme, in which one retires from professional life, retires from social life and retires from family life also. Life is dedicated for only spiritual enquiry and contemplation, jñāna-yoga-pradhāna life consisting of śravaṇam, mananam and nididhyāsanam. Varieties of schemes are offered by the Veda. Vānaprasthāśrama is one scheme; sannyasāśrama is another scheme.

At this stage of life when the husband and wife, the couple, who have completed their duties, the couple decides to dedicate their lives for only spiritual sādhana. They don't look upon themselves as husband and wife. Husband wife relationship is deliberately ended. They look upon themselves as co-seekers in spiritual life. They change their infrastructure. Also they change to suit the pursuit of committed śravanam mananam and nididhyāsanam, without social distraction, professional distraction and family distractions. In short, self-enquiry and contemplation. This is an option given to the gṛhasthas who have completed their duties.

            Once the couple decides to lead such a life, they have an option to stay with the children or to stay away from the children. Both options are given. Whatever option is chosen, the idea is that life should be dedicated for mokṣa-puruṣārtha, otherwise, spiritual puruṣārtha. Once this step is taken, the role of the parents and the role of children get reversed. Until now, parents served the children, helping them to grow. Now that the children are grown up, they have to serve the parents to pursue their spiritual life style. It means, children should cooperate with parents allowing them to get involved only in spiritual activities, not dragging them to any one of the worldly activities. Not only that, children have to provide all the support to the parents, nearby or far away. Whatever is the type of support, financial support or maintenance of the infrastructure, or all of them, the children take care of them and the family is dedicated to Vedantic study consisting of Bhagavad-gītā and upaniṣad. As a gṛhastha, they said no time Swamiji. But now as a retired gṛhastha, they should not complain, no time. Between two classes, they should revise also.

How to lead such a retired life? Lord Kṛishna gives a beautiful guideline throughout the Bhagavad-gītā.

asaktiranabhiṣvaṅagaḥ putradāragṛhādiṣu

nityaṁ ca samacittatvamiṣṭāniṣṭopapattiṣu (13-9)

Gradually get detached from the family, the children, the grandchildren including the spouse. Detachment is the norm. In the family of the children and grandchildren, so many events will happen. Don’t get obsessed with all those events. Family obsession must be gradually dropped and with an equanimous mind, one should pursue Vedānta-vicāra.

mayi cānanyayogena bhaktiravyabhicāriṇī

viviktadeśasevitvamaratirjanasṁsadi (13-10)

adhyātmajñānanityattvaṁ tatvajñānārthadarśanam

etajjñanamiti proktamajñānaṁ yadato'nyathā (13-11)

May you take more and more seclusion, more and more study, more and more contemplation. And gradually grow into your own highest nature called brahman or ātma. This is called mokṣa pursuit. In fact, mokṣa is dropping self-ignorance, dropping self-misconception and dropping the sense of self-limitation and discovering the highest nature, “ahaṁ brahmāsmi”. This spiritual sādhana must dominate the life of a retired gṛhastha.

            Even though, mokṣa is the primary goal, there are so many other secondary benefits also, and the biggest practical benefit is the ability to confront old age. Confronting old age is not that easy. Lot of fear, lot of anxiety, lot of problems, degenerative issues will start appearing as the age advances. There will be death happening around. Old age disease and death are inevitable aspect of human life. When we are young, we are not aware, but after retirement, they all will share and if I could confront them, old age disease, death and separation, if I have to confront, spiritual knowledge is the biggest emotional immunity. Just as we wear a helmet or a seat belt to protect us from all types of accidents, to face old age and disease and death, we require an emotional helmet, an emotional seat belt to make the last part of the human journey. If the spiritual teachings of Bhagavad-gītā and upaniṣad are available, we can say

yat yat bhavyam bhavatu bhagavan pūrvakarmāṇurūpam

Oh Lord! let anything happen according to the law of karma, I am not afraid of old age, I am not afraid of diseases, I am not afraid of death also, because I have discovered my higher brahman nature.

            Bhartṛhari, a great person, writes in his vairāgya-śatakam, how an enlightened person should die. When death is nearing, he says, we should invite all the pañca bhūtas, the five elements which have gifted us this human body. So the human body is a mixture of pañca bhūtāni - ākāṣa, vāyu, agni, āpaḥ, pṛthvī. This body has been gifted not for enjoying worldly pleasure, but meant for discovering our immortal nature. So, before we face the mortality of the body, we should have discovered our own immortality. And Bhartṛhari says, oh elements, all of you come, now it is time for me to give this body back to you with a note of thanks, because I have utilized this body very well. Now, I know I am brahman, body may go away, but I will continue to exist as brahman eternally. I am merging into brahman without worrying about death and the separation. This is the transformation from man-man to god-man.

            In conclusion as a gṛhastha, I have dharma, artha, and kāma, but as a retired gṛhastha supported by children I pursue mokṣa and die as sthitaprajña, a jñāni. This is the Vedic vision. On this auspicious New Year, let us pray to Lord Siddhi Vināyaka that we understand the goal of life and we also follow it. Before that we discover that we are none other than brahman. With these few words, I conclude my talk.