Last year the topic was ‘Value of Silence” and this year, I shall dwell on the “Value of Speech”. Both the faculty of speech and silence are equally important and we must use them judiciously. One must know when to use “silence” and when to use “speech”.
The faculty of speech is unique to the humans; like that of intelligence. These are two faculties that make us superior to other beings in creation. Both of them are extremely important (one cannot determine which is superior) and they complement one another.
A lot of research has gone into training the animals to speak; only with some measure of success the monkeys and baboons can be trained. On observations we find that the speech organs are well developed in primates almost to the level of humans but their intellects are not developed to appreciate the faculty of speech. Thoughts and words are inter-connectable is an important concept. The principle of verbal communication is that thoughts can be expressed in words; which then can be converted into thoughts and ideas in the listener’s mind. This inter-connectability between thoughts and words is extremely important and for this “intellect” comes into play. It is this lack of intellect that prevents a baboon or other animals from verbal speech.
Let’s take another extreme; the intellect is developed but not the faculty of words. We will be islands of knowledge with no method of sharing and communicating. There would be no library, no internet, and no institutions. These islands of knowledge will not be of use to anyone and similar to that of a reservoir that has no channels for distribution. Therefore both “intellect” and “speech” are important. That is why we have Saraswati as the idol for intellect and Brihaspati for speech.
If one can use both “intellect” and “speech” properly, the entire life will be a blessing. There are certain guidelines to master for intelligent application of “I” and “S” in day to day living. Observe these five areas and make an important difference in our lives:
a) Information Sharing (IS)
b) Acknowledgement (Akw)
c) Appreciation (App)
d) Consolation
e) Connection.
You can remember these with the acronym ISAACC (Newton)
a) Information Sharing
When we start our day, we plan our activities. Before implementing, it is wise to share this information with concerned people if our plans will impact them. It may not make a difference to us, but it will greatly ease other’s life. Not sharing information may inconvenience others especially family members. A housewife goes through daily agony simple because the members of the family don’t share their daily programme. When they go out and when they are likely to come. Whether we would have breakfast or lunch; whether they will bring guests or not. These people though educated in material sciences but they lack “sensitivity” to others.
Never take your family for granted and putting other’s in agony is Ahimsa. When the wife asks where are you going or when; the individual may flare up. They will quote scriptures: when I go out, you are not supposed to ask for it is inauspicious. Or take the example of a person waiting for “vadathiar” from 7 in the morning. The priest does not turn up till noon and this man loses faith in ‘Sharddam”. So it pays to always share information or update information so that others will have an idea as to what to expect. Silence in this area is pappam or gross lack of sensitivity for it is Himsa of other’s time. Similarly, if you wish to visit any of your friends inform them in advance. You cannot just land up as a gate-crasher. Fix an appointment and also the duration; keep up the appointment instead using Chennai traffic snarls as an excuse and turn up late. Giving the duration is important so that the other person knows whether he can spend 5 minutes or 50 minutes without upsetting his schedule. Athiti Devo Bhavah is our culture; where athiti is defined as one who comes as a guest without appointment. Therefore honouring a athiti is a punya karma; but becoming an athiti is a papa karma. Another meaning of ‘athiti” is one who does not have a second night. In the olden days, people traveled on foot to long distances and rested in the night at any village. They were looked after by local hospitality. In this day and age of planes and hotels; this will not apply. So from “athiti” we should become “sathiti” – be an invited guest or ask for consent. Can I stay? If they hesitate then it is better to avoid.
There is a funny sloka in Sanskrit. A son-in-law can stay with this inlaws for it is a heavenly experience for a week. If he extends then there will no honey, no curd, and no ghee. You can make excuses of no reservations etc. After a month, they will kick with chappels. The silver plate will become leaf; and plastic cups.
Therefore always fix up an appointment; duration even on the phone. Ask: is it the right time to talk to you? I need five minutes of your time (and stick to it). Information sharing is part of Ahimsa; the greatest dharma.
b) Acknowledgement
When the message is important, we use a registered post. This comes with an acknowledgment card. We feel relaxed that the mail has reached. So this same principle can be used in direct communication.
When I am talking, I have no clue how the other listens. For listening and registering are mental jobs; and the mind is an invisible instrument. Now I am talking to you with the hope and prayer that you understand the way it is intended. It is a one-sided action in total darkness. Darkness for there is no way of knowing whether the mind is in asthika samajam or not? Even if the mind is here, does listening happen? I have no way of knowing. Therefore, every verbal exercise is an exercise in darkness; like drawing a picture in a dark room. I start to draw Vinayaka and then it looks like Anjaneya.
Every communicator works in this darkness; there is a stress and strain to him regarding whether the message is understood or not; or its importance. The more important the message, the more the anxiety especially when the future is involved. As a listener, we can do a service here to allay the fears of the communicator just like we sign the ack card of the registered post. “I have clearly received and registered the message. I know how important the message is for you. I am aware of the emotions involved (from facial expressions and body language). I am going to co-operate”. Reproduce the message in your words to lessen the anxiety. It can make a fantastic difference in the intelligent use of the faculty of speech.
Instead should I be callous and talk of some other subject, then it will be registered in the other’s mind for his mind is still in turbulence. Instead of jumping to comments or suggestions or advice, pause to acknowledge the message the other is trying to communicate. This applies to even criticism; imagine a spouse giving a one hour lecture: you are useless through logical proof. The intelligent approach is not defending/ not denying/ not even silence. You must simply say,” You say I am useless. You say I am like that from the day of marriage in 1973”. Acknowledgement is not acceptance; it just relieves the other person. Some persons conduct programmes in 5 star hotels and charge 5 k for a day. The husband is made to sit in front of wife and listen to her for half an hour; then vice versa. He should listen without responding. Both come relaxed after the programme.
Therefore you don’t have to respond or reply to an emotional outburst. A simple acknowledgement can make a huge difference.
c) Appreciation
Appreciation is one thing everyone loves whether they deserve it or not. Even animals love!!! So do Gods!!! On Sivaratri day, we chant one hour of namakkam; appreciation of lord’s attributes and when HE is happy; we chant chamakkam. O Lord, give us our daily bread.
Everyone wants appreciation; it is nourishment for internal personality. Children will grow in leaps and bounds when appreciated. Therefore, liberally use the organ of speech for appreciation when you across any good conduct or deed. Look for anything positive to commend. Even if there is nothing, appreciate the existence of the person.
“Priyavakyam” or pleasant words of appreciation makes people happy and helps them grow internally. Let the proportion of appreciation to criticism increase. From 0% appreciation and 100% criticism; shift the proportion upside down. Watch your words and never be stingy in appreciation. It does not cost a thing.
Batruhari talks about the attribute of a Mahatma who always has a word of appreciation even if they find an atom of virtue in someone. They take a huge magnifying glass in appreciation and a concave mirror not to comment on hundreds of dosas. Therefore, never follow the value of silence when appreciation is due. Learn to appreciate your family members; never say that they are just doing their duty.
It is not right to seek appreciation, but it is the duty of everyone to offer appreciation. Don’t mix them up!!!! If we are stingy on appreciation, the Lord may take away our organ of speech.
d) Consolation
When we have physical pain, a gentle massage will give relief. It may not be a cure but nonetheless. Words of consolation serve similar; they are a massage for the mind (one of the pancha mahayagna).
Even there is no cure for emotional or physical pain of a person; we can give relief with words of consolation. Remember never to use this occasion for fault finding, comments, or advice or provoking guilt (you did not listen to me and so you are suffering now!!!). Consolation is words of sharing other’s pain. It acknowledges that I am aware of pain; I share the pain. Shared pain is pain relief and must be part of our day-to-day activity.
e) CONNECTION
To maintain any relation exchange of words are required. Keep in mind to avoid all uncomfortable areas. First before speaking, learn about the comfortable topics and uncomfortable topics of the listener. Delving on “touchy” subjects will end in arguments, conflicts, and fights. Instead of reinforcing a relation it will weaken it defeating the very purpose of communication. So, talk of pleasant topics like music seasons or any subject in which both are comfortable. The objective of any communication must be “connecting conversation”.
Finally if we use the organ of speech intelligently it becomes an ornament. The best ornament is the organ of speech which is judiciously used in these five areas. With this ornament, you can become popular in any environment; you attract everyone to you.
There are two kinds of people; those who give happiness wherever they go, another who give happiness whenever they go away. One brahmachari said,” MSM – mobile saw mill”, which means don’t be an aruvai. Let us not become MSM. Use the faculty of speech intelligently; it will make your life and others around you happy. I wish you a happy 2011 and may you make the best use of silence and speech.
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